Big Stupid Dog

big stupid dog

Big Stupid Dog

The dog was big and pointless.

It was a big, stupid, pointless dog.

It does nothing well,

said the boy,

nothing that a dog should do.

It does not bark properly.

It does not run with speed or grace.

It does not chew the legs off burglars,

or even raise the alarm

when strangers come.

The boy was embarrassed

when friends talked about their dogs

and what they could do

and they asked about his

and he had to tell them.

When someone new comes to the door,

said the boy,

someone unknown,

someone who could be dangerous,

the dog lollops down the hall,

makes that noise,

not a bark, not a howl,

no, it makes a sound

like a lairy, hairy man,

laughing deep in his beard,

that noise,

and he lollops idiotically down the hall

like a circus clown in a dog suit

and stands on his hind legs

and licks the face

of stranger danger.

It is a useless dog,

the boy would say.

It has no sense at all.

The boy would sigh

and turn away,

though there was a smile on his face.

The only thing the

big stupid dog

could ever really do well

was make the boy


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